Okay?

When we give our children a direction and end it with "okay?," we create a situation.  It has already become a part of our vocabulary to say it and we don't even realize it.

However, when you end a direction with "okay?" you are offering a choice.  Is there really a choice?  If you were to ask your child to sit down for dinner, are you really offering them a choice of whether or not to come to the dinner table?  So if your child says, "no" will he/she get in trouble?  You expect compliance.  You expect, "yes, I am coming."

Yet, when we ask "okay?" we are offering them a choice when there is no choice.  So what does this create?  This creates a situation in which "we" think the child can obey or disobey.  Yet, inherently in the phrase, "It's time to eat, please come to the dinner table" there is already the opportunity to obey or disobey.

What happens when we offer a choice is one of two things:

1)  Children are expected to say "okay" so are they choosing to obey or are they trying to find the answer that will please their parents?  Have you created a people pleaser or a child with a heart of obedience?  After years and years, children are just programmed to say "okay" without even thinking about it.  They agree, but in their hearts, they are choosing to rebel or to disagree.  In their hearts, they are disobedient.

2)  You create a situation where you are not willing to accept the child's choice if it is not the choice you desire.  This causes confusion for the child.  You offered them a choice.  They gave you their choice yet it is not acceptable.  Often times, parents realize this too late and end up making a compromise or offering an alternative (in which the child gets their way after all and now you created a bargaining situation) so that they acknowledge the child's choice but still require them to submit to what the parent's desired choice was.  This causes much confusion for the child, but after years and years, it creates a situation where the child learns that they can compromise obedience and bargain terms of obedience.

Say what you mean.  Only offer choices when there IS a choice....  okay?