Okay?

When we give our children a direction and end it with "okay?," we create a situation.  It has already become a part of our vocabulary to say it and we don't even realize it.

However, when you end a direction with "okay?" you are offering a choice.  Is there really a choice?  If you were to ask your child to sit down for dinner, are you really offering them a choice of whether or not to come to the dinner table?  So if your child says, "no" will he/she get in trouble?  You expect compliance.  You expect, "yes, I am coming."

Yet, when we ask "okay?" we are offering them a choice when there is no choice.  So what does this create?  This creates a situation in which "we" think the child can obey or disobey.  Yet, inherently in the phrase, "It's time to eat, please come to the dinner table" there is already the opportunity to obey or disobey.

What happens when we offer a choice is one of two things:

1)  Children are expected to say "okay" so are they choosing to obey or are they trying to find the answer that will please their parents?  Have you created a people pleaser or a child with a heart of obedience?  After years and years, children are just programmed to say "okay" without even thinking about it.  They agree, but in their hearts, they are choosing to rebel or to disagree.  In their hearts, they are disobedient.

2)  You create a situation where you are not willing to accept the child's choice if it is not the choice you desire.  This causes confusion for the child.  You offered them a choice.  They gave you their choice yet it is not acceptable.  Often times, parents realize this too late and end up making a compromise or offering an alternative (in which the child gets their way after all and now you created a bargaining situation) so that they acknowledge the child's choice but still require them to submit to what the parent's desired choice was.  This causes much confusion for the child, but after years and years, it creates a situation where the child learns that they can compromise obedience and bargain terms of obedience.

Say what you mean.  Only offer choices when there IS a choice....  okay?

Spring Break 2016: Home But Not Home

With eager anticipation, I asked Matthew what day he was finishing his finals so that we could figure out when he would be coming home for Spring Break.  My eagerness was soon turned to disappointment when Matthew informed me that he was NOT planning on coming home for Spring Break.  Ben & I knew this day would be coming, but we just didn't think it would be coming so soon.  We were both devastated... maybe that is too strong of a word.  We were both hurt, no, that's not it either.  We were blind-sided and caught completely off guard.  Yes, that is it.

My heart was aching to see him and in my flesh, I really wanted to compel Matthew to just come home.  But Ben reminded me that it is Matt's decision to make.  So, I explained to Matthew that we missed him and wished we could see him, that his brothers missed him too, but it was his decision.

Resigned to the fact that Matthew wasn't coming home until the summer, Ben & I began to plan a short trip to Davis over Andrew & James' Spring Break so that we could at least see Matt for a few days.  But much to my surprise, I received a text from Matthew a few days later...

"I got lunch with Connor today"
"I don't know why but last night I was thinking about him a lot"
"Turns out that he was really sad that we haven't hung out in a long time"
"It was kind of hurting him"
"So we were talking for a little bit last night and I apologized and we had lunch today"
"So it was really nice to kind of reconnect with him and I know you were telling me that I should reach out to him"
"Just thought you'd want to know"

I was so excited for him because Connor was a big part of his life at THS and Matt just kinda put that relationship on the back burner.  I let him know that I was really happy that God had placed Connor on his heart and that he shared it with me.  Then came the following:

"I was talking to Hansol too before that just over Facebook"
"And I've been kind of realizing just how much I've been hurting people in my life by not being there"
"Earlier this year his brother died and I didn't really make sure that he was OK and that really hurt him"
"And then I thought about Connor too and it made me want to reach out"
"And just now I thought about you guys and how I decided to be here for spring break and I want to come home so I'm going to try and figure out when's best for me to leave and stay for a little for a couple days"
"I've just been so wrapped up in my ministry that I've been starting to forget people that I really care about my life"
"And it hurts them"
"So I want to come home for a few days to spend with you guys"
"And I'm sorry for being so selfish I really am"

Lesson learned:  God's way is the best way.  In my flesh, I would have wanted to compel Matthew to come home and he would have obeyed.  But God used the situation to teach Matthew a lesson that he will (hopefully) remember for the rest of his life.  God is teaching me to trust Matthew to Him.  I have to let go - Matthew is an adult.  Matthew will make mistakes here and there, and the mistakes may make me and others sad, but it is okay.  God is in control and is shaping Matthew to be the man that He intends.  I'm thankful for this lesson for both Matthew and his parents!!

Scripture:

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will keep your paths straight."

Jeremiah 29:11-13 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.  You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."